Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
