if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I came so hard my ears popped.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
