the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In other news, I just burned my penis
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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