she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
