$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
