Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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