Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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