He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
