They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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