I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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