No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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