All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
