Will you blow on my dice?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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