Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize