My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
