Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
