my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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