Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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