everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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