His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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