took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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