Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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