if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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