I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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