There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
