just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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