1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
