Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
