The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
