How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
