I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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