U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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