five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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