I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize