alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
