Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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