I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
