My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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