You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
