you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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