I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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