i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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