oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
