I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
