there's paper in my vomit.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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