At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
