when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
