I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
