Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
