the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
