Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
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