that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
