My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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