bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
