I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
nutella sex= disaster
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
